Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
