I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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