So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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