people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
