just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
