Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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