Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
