I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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