I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize