I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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