No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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