I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
