my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
