I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
