Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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