Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
