Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
