Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
