i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
