I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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