I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
