Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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