3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
