DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I look better un-naked...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
