literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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