If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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