my mouth tastes like poor choices
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
