Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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