so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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