I wish I could punch you in the face.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
