Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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