The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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