I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
