Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
