everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
