I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I looked at my own cervix.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
