I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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