i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
that may or may not have been my penis.
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