4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
