Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
