I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
