Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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