I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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