I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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