you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
not ubering you a puppy
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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