watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
