All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
