God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
