You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
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No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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