i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
