Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
