Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
