dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
