Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
