I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
